Everyone in this life is affected by marriage, either that of their parents, their own, or their children's. Keeping a marriage strong while surviving life's trials can be a huge struggle, but learning from other's experiences can help us through these times. Here's a list of twelve ways a couple can develop a happy, healthy marriage.
1. Marriage Based on Faith in Jesus ChristA happy marriage will be more easily developed and maintained upon a firm foundation of faith in Jesus Christ. Elder Marlin K. Jensen of the Seventy said:"A final gospel truth that will contribute to our understanding of and hence the quality of our marriages relates to the degree in which we involve the Savior in our relationships as husbands and wives. As designed by our Heavenly Father, marriage consists of our first entering into a covenant relationship with Christ and then with each other. He and his teachings must be the focal point of our togetherness. As we become more like him and grow closer to him, we will naturally become more loving and grow closer to each other" ("A Union of Love and Understanding," Ensign, Oct 1994, 47).
2. Pray TogetherOne of the most common things mentioned in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints when talking about having a happy, healthy marriage is to pray together. President James E. Faust said:"Marriage relationships can be enriched by better communication. One important way is to pray together. This will resolve many of the differences, if there are any, between the couple before going to sleep...."We communicate in a thousand ways, such as a smile, a brush of the hair, a gentle touch.... Some other important words for both husband and wife to say, when appropriate, are, 'I'm sorry.' Listening is also an excellent form of communication." ("Enriching Your Marriage," Ensign, Apr 2007, 4–8).
3. Study the Scriptures TogetherTo really strengthen your marriage study the scriptures daily with your spouse! Here's some great counsel to help you start:"As husband and wife, sit down together in a comfortable and quiet place in your home. Consult the Topical Guide found toward the back of the LDS edition of the King James Bible. Scan the scriptural topics for areas that you feel might help strengthen your relationship with the Lord, with each other, and with your children. Consult the scriptural references listed with each topic, and then discuss them. Jot down the insights you gain and the ways you will apply these scriptures in your own lives" (Spencer J. Condie, "And We Did Liken the Scriptures unto Our Marriage," Ensign, Apr 1984, 17).
4. Have Charity for Each OtherSelflessly giving of oneself is one of the hardest aspects of marriage. Our natural tendency is to be self-focused: that we make sure we're happy; that we get our way; that we're right. But happiness in marriage cannot be achieved when we put our selfish needs first. President Ezra Taft Benson said:"Today's inordinate emphasis on individualism brings egotism and separation. Two individuals becoming 'one flesh' is still the Lord's standard. (See Gen. 2:24.)"The secret of a happy marriage is to serve God and each other. The goal of marriage is unity and oneness, as well as self-development. Paradoxically, the more we serve one another, the greater is our spiritual and emotional growth" ("Salvation—A Family Affair," Ensign, Jul 1992, 2).
5. Only Use Kind WordsIt's easy to be kind and say loving words when you're happy with your spouse, but what about when you're upset, frustrated, annoyed or angry? It's better to walk away and say nothing then to say something hurtful and mean. Wait until you're calm so you can discuss the situation without negative emotions tempting you to say something that would be hurtful and damaging.Saying unkind words in the form of a joke or with sarcasm is an abusive technique that people use to avoid being responsible for their words/actions by forcing the blame on the other person, making it their fault that their feelings were hurt because they "just couldn't take a joke."
6. Show GratitudeShowing genuine gratitude, to both God and a spouse, shows love and strengthens marriage. Giving thanks is easy and should be done for both the little and the big things, especially those things a spouse does on a daily basis."In the enriching of marriage, the big things are the little things. There must be constant appreciation for each other and thoughtful demonstration of gratitude. A couple must encourage and help each other grow. Marriage is a joint quest for the good, the beautiful, and the divine" (James E. Faust, "Enriching Your Marriage, Ensign, Apr 2007, 4–8).
7. Give Thoughtful GiftsAn important way to maintain a happy, healthy marriage is to give your spouse a gift now and then. It doesn't need to cost a lot of money, if any, but it does need to be thoughtful. The thought put into a special gift will tell your spouse how much you love them- much more than a gift of monetary value ever can. Unless your spouse's "Love Language" is gifts, then you don't need to give them often, but it would be highly advisable to still give an occasional gift.One of the twenty suggestions by Brother Linford is to give "occasional gifts... such as a note, a needed item- but mostly gifts of time and self" (Richard W. Linford, "Twenty Ways to Make a Good Marriage Great," Ensign, Dec 1983, 64).
8. Choose to Be HappyJust like being happy in life, being happy in marriage is a choice. We can choose to say unkind words or we can choose to hold our tongue. We can choose to be angry or we can choose to forgive. We can choose to work for a happy, healthy marriage or we can choose not to.I really like this quote by Sister Gibbons, "Marriage demands work. A happy marriage exacts the very best of us. Yet above all, maintaining a successful marriage is a choice" (Janette K. Gibbons, "Seven Steps to Strengthen a Marriage," Ensign, Mar 2002, 24). The attitude we have about our marriage is a choice: we can be positive or we can be negative.
9. Keep Stress Levels LowIt's so much harder to react rationally and kindly when we are stressed. Learning how to lower our level of stress, especially in regard to finances, is a great way to have a happy, healthier marriage."What do airplanes and marriages have in common? Relatively little, except stress points. In airplanes, stress points are the parts that are vulnerable to a lot of wear and tear...."Like airplanes, marriages have stress points.... As engineers of our own marriages, therefore, we need to be aware of the specific stress points in our marriages so that we can strengthen our vulnerabilities" (Richard Tice, "Making Airplanes and Marriages Fly," Ensign, Feb 1989, 66).
10. Continue to DateContinuing to date each other will help keep the spark in your marriage. It takes a little planning and prioritizing but the results are worth it. You don't have to spend much money to have a fun date, but can easily find something enjoyable to do together, such as doing one of these dating ideas- there are over 130."Time spent together sharing interests helps a couple grow closer and gives them a chance to relax and take a break from daily stresses. Perhaps most important, dates help a couple build a reserve of love. Filled with memories of good times and strong positive feelings, this reserve can help them through difficult times of stress, disagreement, and trial" (Emily C. Orgill, "Date Night—at Home," Ensign, Apr 1991, 57).
11. It Takes TimeBuilding a happy, health marriage takes a lot of hard work, time, and patience- but it is possible!"Marriage, like any other worthwhile activity, requires time and energy. It takes at least as much time to keep a marriage in shape as it does for a weight lifter to keep his body in shape. No one would try to run a business, build a house, or rear children on two to three hours a week. In fact, the more two people who love each other interact, the stronger their bond becomes" (Dee W. Hadley, "It Takes Time," Ensign, Dec 1987, 29).
12. Love Conquers AllAnd finally, "love conquers all." It really does. I strongly believe that love and respect go hand in hand. Without love you can't respect your spouse and without respect how can you love your spouse? You can't. So build your love for each other by respecting one another."A false notion about marriage is a too-common belief in the fairy tale phrase, 'They married and lived happily ever after.' To achieve marital happiness, it is necessary that couples work together to overcome difficulties and temptations, and they must show a willingness to meet the other challenges that will always be a part of their married life together" (Dale F. Pearson, "'Love Conquers All'... And Other Fanciful Notions," Ensign, Jun 1973, 14
Monday, August 11, 2008
Saturday, August 9, 2008
CATCH A MAN CHEATING:WHAT TO LOOK FOR.
Catch a Man Cheating:What To Look For by Bea
Suspicion of infidelity is a horrible thing.
It can cause insecurity, anxiety, fear, sleeplessness, depression, and can occupy your thoughts and mind all hours of the day and night.This can lead to immense amounts of emotional stress.Catch a man cheating for your own peace of mind.
You begin to speculate: What did I do to drive him them away? Did I love him enough? Did I smother him? Will I ever trust him again? Will our relationship ever be the same? What does the other person have that I don't?If you don't catch a man cheating these thoughts and questions will consume your brain.
After a while your health can suffer and your performance at work can suffer.
And then it starts to affect others.
Your children can become aware that something is wrong with Mommy , and they too can feel insecurity, anxiety, fear, sleeplessness
And they too will begin to speculate.
Infidelity hurts the whole family especially innocent children.
And it destroys the safety and sanctity your home.Sometimes when you try to catch a man cheating you will be right and sometimes you will be wrong the important thing is you catch a man cheating or maybe your suspicions will be wrong but you must try to catch a man cheating and resolve this issue that is weighing on your mind and causing you so much undo stress.
Look ou for these RED FLAGS to catch a man cheating:
Usually, the thing that will tip you off to catch a man cheating is a change in behavior.
So, let's look at just a few of the behaviors that you might observe, if you catch a man cheating
Catch a man cheating look for Behavior At Home:
¨ Appears distant, show a lack of interest or develop an unexplained aloofness
¨ Is frequently tired or lack interest in the relationship
¨Comes home smelling of an unfamiliar fragrance
¨Wears cologne much more often than usual
¨Arrives home and heads straight into the shower/bath
¨Gets dressed up a little too well (to) for trips to the grocery or running some other kind of errand
¨Begins to speak more and more harshly to you, or are more sarcastic. Sometimes this is just an attempt to justify their cheating or to give them an excuse to storm out of the room/house
¨Asks about your schedule more often than usual
¨Develops an increased focus on losing weight or pays more attention to their appearance
¨Stops wearing his wedding ring and, when asked, can't give a reasonable explanation
Catch a man cheating with changes in romance
¨Is no longer interested in sex, or he makes excuses for its infrequency.
¨Starts to request kinky or other erotic sexual activity that you have never done before, including watching porn
¨Shows a new talent in the bedroom
¨Appears reluctant to kiss you
¨Criticizes you for showing him attention.
¨Continues giving poor excuses for why he is not in the mood to make love. Catch a man cheating with these oddities in his work
¨Work longer hours, more frequently and keep you from viewing his paycheck/pay-stubs
¨Changes his established routine with no apparent reason
¨Begins discouraging you from calling him at work
¨Is often unavailable when you try to call him at work.
¨Returns calls long after you leave a message for him.
¨Prefers to attend work functions alone and tries to discourage you from attending.
¨Takes more trips for business reasons
Catch a man cheating with suspicious phone behavior
¨Receives mysterious phone calls.
¨You get an increasing number of hang-ups or wrong numbers when you pick up the phone.
¨Phone bills show unexplained toll or long distance charges.
¨Hurriedly answers the phone to answer it before you do.
¨Leaves the room to talk on the phone.
¨Whispers while on the phone.
¨Deletes numbers from caller ID
¨Behaves differently or ends the telephone calls abruptly when you enter the room. Or appears to hang up quickly.
Catch a man cheating Paper trails
¨Finding credit card receipts for gifts you didn't receive.
¨An increase in ATM withdrawals.
¨Credit card receipts showing purchases from places that unknown to you or seem suspect
¨He rushes to get the mail before you do.
¨Unusual phone numbers appear on the bill.
¨The duration and time of the calls appear excessive.
¨He are secretive about their cell phone bill.
¨He starts to pay the phone bills or credit card bills themselves.
¨ You notice business travel or other deductions for travel or other expenses that you were unaware of.
Catch a man cheating with these signs from the car
¨The passenger'sseat is adjusted differently than you had left it.
¨Taking child seat out of the car for no particular reason.
¨Finding suspicious items like phone numbers, receipts, lipstick, condoms or strange hairs in the vehicle.
¨Keeping a change of clothes in the trunk.
¨Unexplainable mileage or a lack of additional mileage. For example, if your spouse state they went out of town yet the odometer indicates that only a distance of 25 miles had been driven. Conversely, if your spouse states they have only been to the office that day, yet their odometer shows many more miles ad been driven, this too, may be a significant matter.
Computer-related to catch a man cheating
¨They warily guard access to their computer.
¨They shut down the computer as you walk into the room.
¨They add password protection their computer.
¨Or they stay up to "work" on the computer long after you havve gone to bed.
¨They have unusual sites showing in their browser history, or erase them after each late-night session.
¨They delete email message more frequently
Again, let me reiterate that these behaviors are only indicators of infidelity and are not absolutes.
Some cheaters are very deceitful and can cover their tracks superbly. They may become more attentive in an effort to compensate for the fact that their attentions are going elsewhere. They behave like model parents in an effort to alleviate their guilt. They can juggle the extra-marital relationship, while tending to the marriage in a seemingly flawless way.
They may also have friends that will help them to get out of the house or provide alibis for the cheater.
When You Begin to suspect, just observe -don't accuse: If, after some consideration, you begin to have suspicions then don't accuse, but just observe. If you accuse your partner and are mistaken, you risk causing unnecessary and irreparable damage to your relationship damage that may take a lot of time to recover from. Find out how to catch a man cheating.
www.catchamancheating.homestead.com
Suspicion of infidelity is a horrible thing.
It can cause insecurity, anxiety, fear, sleeplessness, depression, and can occupy your thoughts and mind all hours of the day and night.This can lead to immense amounts of emotional stress.Catch a man cheating for your own peace of mind.
You begin to speculate: What did I do to drive him them away? Did I love him enough? Did I smother him? Will I ever trust him again? Will our relationship ever be the same? What does the other person have that I don't?If you don't catch a man cheating these thoughts and questions will consume your brain.
After a while your health can suffer and your performance at work can suffer.
And then it starts to affect others.
Your children can become aware that something is wrong with Mommy , and they too can feel insecurity, anxiety, fear, sleeplessness
And they too will begin to speculate.
Infidelity hurts the whole family especially innocent children.
And it destroys the safety and sanctity your home.Sometimes when you try to catch a man cheating you will be right and sometimes you will be wrong the important thing is you catch a man cheating or maybe your suspicions will be wrong but you must try to catch a man cheating and resolve this issue that is weighing on your mind and causing you so much undo stress.
Look ou for these RED FLAGS to catch a man cheating:
Usually, the thing that will tip you off to catch a man cheating is a change in behavior.
So, let's look at just a few of the behaviors that you might observe, if you catch a man cheating
Catch a man cheating look for Behavior At Home:
¨ Appears distant, show a lack of interest or develop an unexplained aloofness
¨ Is frequently tired or lack interest in the relationship
¨Comes home smelling of an unfamiliar fragrance
¨Wears cologne much more often than usual
¨Arrives home and heads straight into the shower/bath
¨Gets dressed up a little too well (to) for trips to the grocery or running some other kind of errand
¨Begins to speak more and more harshly to you, or are more sarcastic. Sometimes this is just an attempt to justify their cheating or to give them an excuse to storm out of the room/house
¨Asks about your schedule more often than usual
¨Develops an increased focus on losing weight or pays more attention to their appearance
¨Stops wearing his wedding ring and, when asked, can't give a reasonable explanation
Catch a man cheating with changes in romance
¨Is no longer interested in sex, or he makes excuses for its infrequency.
¨Starts to request kinky or other erotic sexual activity that you have never done before, including watching porn
¨Shows a new talent in the bedroom
¨Appears reluctant to kiss you
¨Criticizes you for showing him attention.
¨Continues giving poor excuses for why he is not in the mood to make love. Catch a man cheating with these oddities in his work
¨Work longer hours, more frequently and keep you from viewing his paycheck/pay-stubs
¨Changes his established routine with no apparent reason
¨Begins discouraging you from calling him at work
¨Is often unavailable when you try to call him at work.
¨Returns calls long after you leave a message for him.
¨Prefers to attend work functions alone and tries to discourage you from attending.
¨Takes more trips for business reasons
Catch a man cheating with suspicious phone behavior
¨Receives mysterious phone calls.
¨You get an increasing number of hang-ups or wrong numbers when you pick up the phone.
¨Phone bills show unexplained toll or long distance charges.
¨Hurriedly answers the phone to answer it before you do.
¨Leaves the room to talk on the phone.
¨Whispers while on the phone.
¨Deletes numbers from caller ID
¨Behaves differently or ends the telephone calls abruptly when you enter the room. Or appears to hang up quickly.
Catch a man cheating Paper trails
¨Finding credit card receipts for gifts you didn't receive.
¨An increase in ATM withdrawals.
¨Credit card receipts showing purchases from places that unknown to you or seem suspect
¨He rushes to get the mail before you do.
¨Unusual phone numbers appear on the bill.
¨The duration and time of the calls appear excessive.
¨He are secretive about their cell phone bill.
¨He starts to pay the phone bills or credit card bills themselves.
¨ You notice business travel or other deductions for travel or other expenses that you were unaware of.
Catch a man cheating with these signs from the car
¨The passenger'sseat is adjusted differently than you had left it.
¨Taking child seat out of the car for no particular reason.
¨Finding suspicious items like phone numbers, receipts, lipstick, condoms or strange hairs in the vehicle.
¨Keeping a change of clothes in the trunk.
¨Unexplainable mileage or a lack of additional mileage. For example, if your spouse state they went out of town yet the odometer indicates that only a distance of 25 miles had been driven. Conversely, if your spouse states they have only been to the office that day, yet their odometer shows many more miles ad been driven, this too, may be a significant matter.
Computer-related to catch a man cheating
¨They warily guard access to their computer.
¨They shut down the computer as you walk into the room.
¨They add password protection their computer.
¨Or they stay up to "work" on the computer long after you havve gone to bed.
¨They have unusual sites showing in their browser history, or erase them after each late-night session.
¨They delete email message more frequently
Again, let me reiterate that these behaviors are only indicators of infidelity and are not absolutes.
Some cheaters are very deceitful and can cover their tracks superbly. They may become more attentive in an effort to compensate for the fact that their attentions are going elsewhere. They behave like model parents in an effort to alleviate their guilt. They can juggle the extra-marital relationship, while tending to the marriage in a seemingly flawless way.
They may also have friends that will help them to get out of the house or provide alibis for the cheater.
When You Begin to suspect, just observe -don't accuse: If, after some consideration, you begin to have suspicions then don't accuse, but just observe. If you accuse your partner and are mistaken, you risk causing unnecessary and irreparable damage to your relationship damage that may take a lot of time to recover from. Find out how to catch a man cheating.
www.catchamancheating.homestead.com
TUBAL REVERSAL SUCESS-WHAT"S YOUR CHANCE?.
If you are considering a way that you can have a child after having your tubes tied, then you probably want to know the tubal reversal success rates. Is tubal reversal surgery going to be the best option for you? That will depend upon a few factors.
To begin with, your tubal ligation method plays a big part in your success. It has a bit to do with the damage that is done to your fallopian tubes by the method and how easily it can be repaired. Using the statistics from a study done by the Chapel Hill Tubal Reversal Center, you can see that your best chances come if had clips or rings used. For them, the success rate is 76%. Other methods include ligation or resection, coagulation or burning, and fimbriectomy or removal of the fimbrial ends. Your chances of a successful surgery decreases in that order as well. The fimbriectomy has a 56% pregnancy rate.
Our next factor to consider is the tubal length. Just how long are the tubes once surgery to repair them is complete and what chances does the length give you? If you luck out and have tube length over 7.5 cm, you will have an 80% success rate. But if they are less than 2.5 cm, your success rate drops to 38%.
The last factor we consider here is your age at the time of the tubal ligation reversal. As you can imagine, age does play a big part in whether or not you can get pregnant. Just having surgery to reverse tying your tubes is not going to get rid of the biological clock. In the study that was done among 4025 women, those still in their 20s when they got the reversal had an 82% chance of getting pregnant while those over 40 had a 41% chance. And although women over 40 do face several risk factors in being pregnant, you might want to know it looks like the number of women over 40 getting pregnant is increasing.
So you can see that even given all these different components of the three factors, tubal reversal is a very viable option. Just check out the charts from the study and see what your tubal reversal success chances are.
To be able to view the tubal reversal success rates from the pregnancy study for yourself and for your situation, just check out the Chapel Hill Tubal Reversal Center website. In addition, there are many other resources for you to better inform yourself and even a message board. Be sure to send for the free tubal reversal DVD.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Sandra_Wilson
To begin with, your tubal ligation method plays a big part in your success. It has a bit to do with the damage that is done to your fallopian tubes by the method and how easily it can be repaired. Using the statistics from a study done by the Chapel Hill Tubal Reversal Center, you can see that your best chances come if had clips or rings used. For them, the success rate is 76%. Other methods include ligation or resection, coagulation or burning, and fimbriectomy or removal of the fimbrial ends. Your chances of a successful surgery decreases in that order as well. The fimbriectomy has a 56% pregnancy rate.
Our next factor to consider is the tubal length. Just how long are the tubes once surgery to repair them is complete and what chances does the length give you? If you luck out and have tube length over 7.5 cm, you will have an 80% success rate. But if they are less than 2.5 cm, your success rate drops to 38%.
The last factor we consider here is your age at the time of the tubal ligation reversal. As you can imagine, age does play a big part in whether or not you can get pregnant. Just having surgery to reverse tying your tubes is not going to get rid of the biological clock. In the study that was done among 4025 women, those still in their 20s when they got the reversal had an 82% chance of getting pregnant while those over 40 had a 41% chance. And although women over 40 do face several risk factors in being pregnant, you might want to know it looks like the number of women over 40 getting pregnant is increasing.
So you can see that even given all these different components of the three factors, tubal reversal is a very viable option. Just check out the charts from the study and see what your tubal reversal success chances are.
To be able to view the tubal reversal success rates from the pregnancy study for yourself and for your situation, just check out the Chapel Hill Tubal Reversal Center website. In addition, there are many other resources for you to better inform yourself and even a message board. Be sure to send for the free tubal reversal DVD.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Sandra_Wilson
SEXUAL DISCOVERY-IT"S A MAN"S WORLD.
Sexual Discovery - It's a Man's World by Sean Christ.
I'm a hiker, and I'm anything but a boyscout. I hurry down the trail half put together with little notion of what I'll find and when I'll return. Consequently, I've many times beat my way out of the woods in total darkness, been cut off by sheer cliffs or ice I can't cross, and once I found myself in the midst of fire weed clad only in a swimsuit and sandals.
It sounds stupid, I know, but I wouldn't live any other way. The amazing things I discover are found only with reckless abandon and a push around one more bend in the trail before it gets too dark to see any longer.
That's real life - that's also real sex.
While male daring and passion for discovery is most often admired in guys, when we carry our craving to climb over the next hilltop of our sexuality, our culture waves a red flag because, after all, there are boundaries to our sexuality. Strangely, men succumb to the wet blanket of shame that our society casts upon us in order to keep our sexuality set on the cool cycle.
Discovery is male. It chides us, "Why stop? Let's keep going!" Last week my son and wife and I dug a giant hole on the beach and watched the water fill the bottom. "Why stop there?" we thought. So, we dug the deepest hole on the beach, and he stuck a tall pole in it to mark our achievement.
Discovery is a guy's quest to connect, to climb inside, to learn one more thing. You ask one more question, drive one more hour, nail up one more sheet of plywood, make one more cast in the bay. You reach, discover and then connect.
Male sexuality is no different. It's purely male and purely sexual to chase down one more lane and explore some elusive erotic quality of your lover, a wilder physical sensation you could try together, or something you never thought you could do but wanted to try. Your lover, surprised, might say, "Umm. What are you trying to prove? Dear, this isn't a track meet." You think, "It's not?" It's a natural God-given desire for you, yet also your role to lead your wife on the adventure.
Society tells us to push all the bounds in business, education, work ethic and play, but surprisingly, society also imposes it's chilling bounds into our own bedrooms. Your passion for discovery gives you the ability to feed starving nations, find fuel sources or to put on a globe-stopping musical performance. Yet, men and their wives, anxious to explore one-another's bodies and souls and discover unimaginable union still ask, "Is this OK?" These words are death to lovers.
Guys are pioneers, and while western culture quivers in bashful sexuality, you must lovingly, but courageously push around the bend in the trail of your sexuality. You will never sexually grow enough. There is always another hill to climb over. There is always a deeper sexual union to discover with your beloved.
The chiding of maleness is welcome as it gives you courage to launch a long sexual adventure with your beloved. You vow to never ask, "Is this OK?", because your marriage bed belongs to you and your lover. You possess the words of maleness which you can laughingly and courageously take into your bedroom, "Why stop? Let's keep going!"
About the Author
Sean Christopher writes about sexuality and culture. Read his newest book Orgasmic Guy: Unleash the Hidden Truth. Sean's books, articles, resources and his blog OG Talk: Straight Talk About Male Sexuality can be found by visiting http://www.orgasmicguy.com/.
I'm a hiker, and I'm anything but a boyscout. I hurry down the trail half put together with little notion of what I'll find and when I'll return. Consequently, I've many times beat my way out of the woods in total darkness, been cut off by sheer cliffs or ice I can't cross, and once I found myself in the midst of fire weed clad only in a swimsuit and sandals.
It sounds stupid, I know, but I wouldn't live any other way. The amazing things I discover are found only with reckless abandon and a push around one more bend in the trail before it gets too dark to see any longer.
That's real life - that's also real sex.
While male daring and passion for discovery is most often admired in guys, when we carry our craving to climb over the next hilltop of our sexuality, our culture waves a red flag because, after all, there are boundaries to our sexuality. Strangely, men succumb to the wet blanket of shame that our society casts upon us in order to keep our sexuality set on the cool cycle.
Discovery is male. It chides us, "Why stop? Let's keep going!" Last week my son and wife and I dug a giant hole on the beach and watched the water fill the bottom. "Why stop there?" we thought. So, we dug the deepest hole on the beach, and he stuck a tall pole in it to mark our achievement.
Discovery is a guy's quest to connect, to climb inside, to learn one more thing. You ask one more question, drive one more hour, nail up one more sheet of plywood, make one more cast in the bay. You reach, discover and then connect.
Male sexuality is no different. It's purely male and purely sexual to chase down one more lane and explore some elusive erotic quality of your lover, a wilder physical sensation you could try together, or something you never thought you could do but wanted to try. Your lover, surprised, might say, "Umm. What are you trying to prove? Dear, this isn't a track meet." You think, "It's not?" It's a natural God-given desire for you, yet also your role to lead your wife on the adventure.
Society tells us to push all the bounds in business, education, work ethic and play, but surprisingly, society also imposes it's chilling bounds into our own bedrooms. Your passion for discovery gives you the ability to feed starving nations, find fuel sources or to put on a globe-stopping musical performance. Yet, men and their wives, anxious to explore one-another's bodies and souls and discover unimaginable union still ask, "Is this OK?" These words are death to lovers.
Guys are pioneers, and while western culture quivers in bashful sexuality, you must lovingly, but courageously push around the bend in the trail of your sexuality. You will never sexually grow enough. There is always another hill to climb over. There is always a deeper sexual union to discover with your beloved.
The chiding of maleness is welcome as it gives you courage to launch a long sexual adventure with your beloved. You vow to never ask, "Is this OK?", because your marriage bed belongs to you and your lover. You possess the words of maleness which you can laughingly and courageously take into your bedroom, "Why stop? Let's keep going!"
About the Author
Sean Christopher writes about sexuality and culture. Read his newest book Orgasmic Guy: Unleash the Hidden Truth. Sean's books, articles, resources and his blog OG Talk: Straight Talk About Male Sexuality can be found by visiting http://www.orgasmicguy.com/.
MARRIED WITHOUT CHILDREN?...
Marriage Partnership, Fall 2003Married Without ChildrenAs our pregnancy tests kept coming up negative, the joy of sex faded, turning it into a mere quest for procreation. Would we ever find that passion again?By Marshall Allen
The sex life of an infertile couple sometimes seems as if it's a matter of public interest. At least that was our experience.
Sonja and I had been married for five years and had no children, an immediate red flag to nosy people we met at church.
"Don't you know that children are a gift from God?" one man asked.
For those years Sonja and I had asked God every day to bless us with a child. We were aware of their value.
"You'd better get started!" some would say. This would launch us into a conversation about how we'd been "trying" and how we hadn't yet conceived. "At least you're having fun trying, right?" was a comment that usually came with a coy wink.
Wrong. We were not having fun "trying." When you're infertile, making love takes on the not-so-romantic air of an assembly line production, where the baby factory yields nothing month after month, year after year. Trying to get pregnant isn't fun when you're stringing together 72 months of forced sex and failed tries at conception.
Sadly, millions of couples suffer from infertility. According to a 1995 study by the Center for Disease Control, there were 2.1 million infertile married couples in the United States, and another 6.1 million women with "impaired ability to have children." Infertility is usually defined as the inability to conceive after one year of unprotected sexual intercourse.
Often, infertility deals a deathblow to a marriage, as a couple deals with years of disappointment and turns against each another. But it doesn't have to be that way. Through a recognition of God's sovereignty, an emphasis on prayer and making the marriage—not conception—the number one priority, infertility can draw a couple closer instead of destroying them.
"Unexplained" infertilityEvery infertile couple's experience is unique, but ours was unique even among people struggling with infertility—we had nothing wrong with us. For years, fertility specialists poked, prodded, and probed Sonja countless times. I'd been required to give a "sample" into a small cup.
Through it all, they found no reasons to explain our inability to conceive. We were young, Sonja ovulated normally and had no conditions that would preclude conception, and my sperm was grade A. Yet we were unable to do what all those people with "unwanted" pregnancies could do: conceive. With straight faces, medical experts diagnosed our condition: "Unexplained Infertility." Brilliant. Now I know why my faith isn't in science.
Ovulation graphs based on daily temperature readings littered our bedside table and served as evidence of our condition. For months, Sonja counted days, predicted cycles, and beckoned me to the bedroom when neither of us wanted to be there. Our sex life had morphed from spontaneous passion to hitting "windows in the ovulation cycle," or feeling the hopelessness of missing a chance to conceive.
Sonja and I could speak authoritatively about the biological nuances of making a baby, but could do nothing about it. Sometimes it seemed we were experts in failure.
It took only a few months before the conflict over forced lovemaking started to take its toll on our marriage. Our pattern of "trying" was similar to that of other couples trying to get pregnant. Sonja would chart her ovulation cycle, then command me to hop in the sack as often as possible during the 48 hours when her egg was supposedly making its way down her fallopian tubes. Repeated sex would have been my ultimate fantasy at 16, but I'd been enjoying the secure and even-keel sex of a married man, and now she was telling me to do it again, and again, and again?! It's a turn-on the first time, but not the fiftieth.
If a window of opportunity passed without me performing my manly duties, Sonja was stressed, I was frustrated, and we were fighting. It didn't exactly set the mood for hitting our conception window. Of course I wanted to do my part to conceive, but somehow it felt wrong to sacrifice our healthy love life in a gamble for a child who may never come. In time, we found we both were the root of our problem—Sonja carried the burden of knowing when she was ovulating, and I carried the burden of performing sexually.
Idolizing pregnancy?Sonja and I recognized the danger to our relationship, in large part because of our friendship with another infertile couple, Brian and Stacey (not their real names). After two conceptions and one successful birth, Brian and Stacey had gone through five years of secondary infertility (a period of infertility following the birth of a child). As the years passed without another pregnancy, Stacey became frantic that she would never have another child.
The years of rote sex brought them to the verge of divorce, Brian told me. It caused damage to their intimacy that was still in the process of being healed nearly five years later.
Through Brian and Stacey, we learned we couldn't put our marriage at risk by continuing to "try" as we had been. We had to make our marriage a greater priority than our baby, which was easier said than done. In our experience, infertility can easily turn a baby—or even a pregnancy—into a form of idolatry.
Scientific fertility advancements certainly contribute to a couple's idea that they can make a pregnancy happen, and therefore to the temptation toward idolatry. But our Christian subculture does that, too. Some Christians put such an emphasis on children being a gift from God that we can easily forget that they are just that—a gift. Children aren't a right, and they're not something people can create through "trying" to get pregnant. I know couples who seem to conceive every time they look at each other with passion, but even these conceptions are God-ordained.
As Sonja and I struggled with infertility, we had to remind ourselves that God's foremost command to us was that we commit our relationship—and our expectations for our family—to his sovereign will.
"Don't ask, don't tell"Meanwhile, we changed our approach to hitting the fertility window to preserve and protect our sex life.
Sonja instituted a "don't ask, don't tell" policy. Perhaps it was a psychological trick, but Sonja, who knew when she was ovulating, wouldn't tell me about it; she'd just get amorous. Guys are clueless anyway, so this wasn't difficult. When Sonja would lead me to the bedroom, I wouldn't ask any questions, but instead would just enjoy her initiative. We still didn't get pregnant, but our sex life didn't suffer either.
While God protected Sonja and me from an extended period of sexual conflict related to infertility, many other couples have more intense struggles.
What all too few of those couples learn is the need to focus more on love itself—away from the bedroom—and less on lovemaking.
Infertility doesn't have to destroy a marriage. And while it certainly affected ours, it didn't destroy it.
Once Sonja and I decided to submit our design for our family totally to God, he blessed us. No, not with pregnancy, but by making it clear we should adopt. A year later, in April 2002, we went to Korea to pick up our son Isaac, who is the light of our lives. Then, the big surprise came a few months later in August, when we found out we were pregnant. Our son Ashton was born this May 1.
People, even Christians, often explain our pregnancy as a result of our adoption. "You've finally relaxed!" they say. Or, "See, the problem was psychological all along!" We keep explaining it's clear to us that God closed our womb for a reason. He had a special design for Isaac, and for us.
Six years of infertility was difficult, but by God's grace our marriage thrived and we grew in our intimacy with him.
Marshall Allen, a journalist, lives with his family in California.
The sex life of an infertile couple sometimes seems as if it's a matter of public interest. At least that was our experience.
Sonja and I had been married for five years and had no children, an immediate red flag to nosy people we met at church.
"Don't you know that children are a gift from God?" one man asked.
For those years Sonja and I had asked God every day to bless us with a child. We were aware of their value.
"You'd better get started!" some would say. This would launch us into a conversation about how we'd been "trying" and how we hadn't yet conceived. "At least you're having fun trying, right?" was a comment that usually came with a coy wink.
Wrong. We were not having fun "trying." When you're infertile, making love takes on the not-so-romantic air of an assembly line production, where the baby factory yields nothing month after month, year after year. Trying to get pregnant isn't fun when you're stringing together 72 months of forced sex and failed tries at conception.
Sadly, millions of couples suffer from infertility. According to a 1995 study by the Center for Disease Control, there were 2.1 million infertile married couples in the United States, and another 6.1 million women with "impaired ability to have children." Infertility is usually defined as the inability to conceive after one year of unprotected sexual intercourse.
Often, infertility deals a deathblow to a marriage, as a couple deals with years of disappointment and turns against each another. But it doesn't have to be that way. Through a recognition of God's sovereignty, an emphasis on prayer and making the marriage—not conception—the number one priority, infertility can draw a couple closer instead of destroying them.
"Unexplained" infertilityEvery infertile couple's experience is unique, but ours was unique even among people struggling with infertility—we had nothing wrong with us. For years, fertility specialists poked, prodded, and probed Sonja countless times. I'd been required to give a "sample" into a small cup.
Through it all, they found no reasons to explain our inability to conceive. We were young, Sonja ovulated normally and had no conditions that would preclude conception, and my sperm was grade A. Yet we were unable to do what all those people with "unwanted" pregnancies could do: conceive. With straight faces, medical experts diagnosed our condition: "Unexplained Infertility." Brilliant. Now I know why my faith isn't in science.
Ovulation graphs based on daily temperature readings littered our bedside table and served as evidence of our condition. For months, Sonja counted days, predicted cycles, and beckoned me to the bedroom when neither of us wanted to be there. Our sex life had morphed from spontaneous passion to hitting "windows in the ovulation cycle," or feeling the hopelessness of missing a chance to conceive.
Sonja and I could speak authoritatively about the biological nuances of making a baby, but could do nothing about it. Sometimes it seemed we were experts in failure.
It took only a few months before the conflict over forced lovemaking started to take its toll on our marriage. Our pattern of "trying" was similar to that of other couples trying to get pregnant. Sonja would chart her ovulation cycle, then command me to hop in the sack as often as possible during the 48 hours when her egg was supposedly making its way down her fallopian tubes. Repeated sex would have been my ultimate fantasy at 16, but I'd been enjoying the secure and even-keel sex of a married man, and now she was telling me to do it again, and again, and again?! It's a turn-on the first time, but not the fiftieth.
If a window of opportunity passed without me performing my manly duties, Sonja was stressed, I was frustrated, and we were fighting. It didn't exactly set the mood for hitting our conception window. Of course I wanted to do my part to conceive, but somehow it felt wrong to sacrifice our healthy love life in a gamble for a child who may never come. In time, we found we both were the root of our problem—Sonja carried the burden of knowing when she was ovulating, and I carried the burden of performing sexually.
Idolizing pregnancy?Sonja and I recognized the danger to our relationship, in large part because of our friendship with another infertile couple, Brian and Stacey (not their real names). After two conceptions and one successful birth, Brian and Stacey had gone through five years of secondary infertility (a period of infertility following the birth of a child). As the years passed without another pregnancy, Stacey became frantic that she would never have another child.
The years of rote sex brought them to the verge of divorce, Brian told me. It caused damage to their intimacy that was still in the process of being healed nearly five years later.
Through Brian and Stacey, we learned we couldn't put our marriage at risk by continuing to "try" as we had been. We had to make our marriage a greater priority than our baby, which was easier said than done. In our experience, infertility can easily turn a baby—or even a pregnancy—into a form of idolatry.
Scientific fertility advancements certainly contribute to a couple's idea that they can make a pregnancy happen, and therefore to the temptation toward idolatry. But our Christian subculture does that, too. Some Christians put such an emphasis on children being a gift from God that we can easily forget that they are just that—a gift. Children aren't a right, and they're not something people can create through "trying" to get pregnant. I know couples who seem to conceive every time they look at each other with passion, but even these conceptions are God-ordained.
As Sonja and I struggled with infertility, we had to remind ourselves that God's foremost command to us was that we commit our relationship—and our expectations for our family—to his sovereign will.
"Don't ask, don't tell"Meanwhile, we changed our approach to hitting the fertility window to preserve and protect our sex life.
Sonja instituted a "don't ask, don't tell" policy. Perhaps it was a psychological trick, but Sonja, who knew when she was ovulating, wouldn't tell me about it; she'd just get amorous. Guys are clueless anyway, so this wasn't difficult. When Sonja would lead me to the bedroom, I wouldn't ask any questions, but instead would just enjoy her initiative. We still didn't get pregnant, but our sex life didn't suffer either.
While God protected Sonja and me from an extended period of sexual conflict related to infertility, many other couples have more intense struggles.
What all too few of those couples learn is the need to focus more on love itself—away from the bedroom—and less on lovemaking.
Infertility doesn't have to destroy a marriage. And while it certainly affected ours, it didn't destroy it.
Once Sonja and I decided to submit our design for our family totally to God, he blessed us. No, not with pregnancy, but by making it clear we should adopt. A year later, in April 2002, we went to Korea to pick up our son Isaac, who is the light of our lives. Then, the big surprise came a few months later in August, when we found out we were pregnant. Our son Ashton was born this May 1.
People, even Christians, often explain our pregnancy as a result of our adoption. "You've finally relaxed!" they say. Or, "See, the problem was psychological all along!" We keep explaining it's clear to us that God closed our womb for a reason. He had a special design for Isaac, and for us.
Six years of infertility was difficult, but by God's grace our marriage thrived and we grew in our intimacy with him.
Marshall Allen, a journalist, lives with his family in California.
THE MOST(UNUSUAL)ROMANTIC THINGS-20 WAYS TO SPICE UP YOUR INTIMANCY.
Marriage Partnership, Spring 2008By Jill Savage
1. Turn on the electric blanket or heated mattress pad 30 minutes before he heads to bed.
2. Empty the dishwasher or do the dishes without being asked.
3. Make coffee or tea in the morning and take it to the bathroom while she is getting ready.
4. Unload the groceries and put them away—especially if your spouse went to the store alone.
5. Open her car door.
6. Make his favorite dessert.
7. Surprise your spouse by cleaning and vacuuming his car.
8. While your spouse is in the shower, throw a towel in the dryer, then place the heated towel where he can reach it.
9. Take the children for a couple hours and give her some time alone.
10. Put your arm around her in church.
11. Rub her back or feet.
12. Buy his favorite candy bar or magazine when you stop to fill your gas tank.
13. Show excitement about doing something your spouse wants to do.
14. Warm the car and scrape the windows after a frost or snow.
15. Tell your friends—and family!—how smart your spouse is.
16. Fill your spouse's car with gas when you drive it.
17. Invite her to cuddle while watching television.
18. Take off a half-day just for the two of you.
19. Fold and put away the laundry.
20. Pray a blessing over your spouse—then tell him or her what you prayed for.
I Want to Hold Your HandBy Donna FrisingerMy stepdad was just beginning to come out of the anesthetic after minor surgery. As I watched him regain consciousness, before he even opened his eyes, he reached for my mother's hand. A simple act, yet so profound. It was a straightforward, spontaneous reflex that said, I need you. I love you. I'm so glad you're here for me.
I remember the first time my husband reached for my hand. It was our first date, and we were at the Circle Theater in Indianapolis to see The Sound of Music. Somewhere between "Climb Every Mountain" and "Something Good," I felt him cautiously span the short distance to grasp my fingers, then hold on for dear life.
I didn't breathe for a few seconds, as I tried to keep my eyes focused on the big screen. Slowly, I relaxed and let my fingers curl into his. They fit perfectly.
Forty years later, that's how we go to sleep each night: holding hands. I don't remember exactly when we started this ritual, but it's one I cherish.
A recent study of how human touch affects neural stress release indicated that married women who hold their husband's hand feel instant relief from extremely stressful situations.
Tom DeMaio, a clinical psychologist in Charlottesville, North Carolina, says that he often recommends that couples hold hands during an argument. "It keeps them connected when they are trying to work things out during tough times," he says.
Sounds like a plan to me.
Real. That's how I feel when Barry and I hold hands. Sometimes I can't even tell where his hand ends and mine begins. We are one, as God meant us to be.Copyright © 2008 by the author or Christianity Today International/Marriage Partnership magazine. Click here for reprint information on Marriage Partnership.Spring 2008
1. Turn on the electric blanket or heated mattress pad 30 minutes before he heads to bed.
2. Empty the dishwasher or do the dishes without being asked.
3. Make coffee or tea in the morning and take it to the bathroom while she is getting ready.
4. Unload the groceries and put them away—especially if your spouse went to the store alone.
5. Open her car door.
6. Make his favorite dessert.
7. Surprise your spouse by cleaning and vacuuming his car.
8. While your spouse is in the shower, throw a towel in the dryer, then place the heated towel where he can reach it.
9. Take the children for a couple hours and give her some time alone.
10. Put your arm around her in church.
11. Rub her back or feet.
12. Buy his favorite candy bar or magazine when you stop to fill your gas tank.
13. Show excitement about doing something your spouse wants to do.
14. Warm the car and scrape the windows after a frost or snow.
15. Tell your friends—and family!—how smart your spouse is.
16. Fill your spouse's car with gas when you drive it.
17. Invite her to cuddle while watching television.
18. Take off a half-day just for the two of you.
19. Fold and put away the laundry.
20. Pray a blessing over your spouse—then tell him or her what you prayed for.
I Want to Hold Your HandBy Donna FrisingerMy stepdad was just beginning to come out of the anesthetic after minor surgery. As I watched him regain consciousness, before he even opened his eyes, he reached for my mother's hand. A simple act, yet so profound. It was a straightforward, spontaneous reflex that said, I need you. I love you. I'm so glad you're here for me.
I remember the first time my husband reached for my hand. It was our first date, and we were at the Circle Theater in Indianapolis to see The Sound of Music. Somewhere between "Climb Every Mountain" and "Something Good," I felt him cautiously span the short distance to grasp my fingers, then hold on for dear life.
I didn't breathe for a few seconds, as I tried to keep my eyes focused on the big screen. Slowly, I relaxed and let my fingers curl into his. They fit perfectly.
Forty years later, that's how we go to sleep each night: holding hands. I don't remember exactly when we started this ritual, but it's one I cherish.
A recent study of how human touch affects neural stress release indicated that married women who hold their husband's hand feel instant relief from extremely stressful situations.
Tom DeMaio, a clinical psychologist in Charlottesville, North Carolina, says that he often recommends that couples hold hands during an argument. "It keeps them connected when they are trying to work things out during tough times," he says.
Sounds like a plan to me.
Real. That's how I feel when Barry and I hold hands. Sometimes I can't even tell where his hand ends and mine begins. We are one, as God meant us to be.Copyright © 2008 by the author or Christianity Today International/Marriage Partnership magazine. Click here for reprint information on Marriage Partnership.Spring 2008
WHEN SEX HURTS.
Marriage Partnership, Summer 2008When Sex HurtsFor thousands of women, intercourse is physically painful. Now there's help.By Christopher and Rachel McCluskey
Amanda and Randy had been married almost four months. Their honeymoon was great, except for the "main event." No matter how hard they tried, it just wasn't happening. With great embarrassment Amanda finally went to her gynecologist, thinking there was something wrong with her.
Amanda's issue represents the experience of thousands of couples. Their frustration is incredible—they can't consummate their oneness, and they don't know where to turn for help. One husband put it this way: "We were virgins when we married. Four years later we were still not 'one.' It was terrible. We went to three different counselors, and they were nice but really didn't know what to do or say to us."
After running some tests, Amanda's physician informed her that she was normal, but she had vaginismus.
Vaginismus is a condition in which the muscles in the lower third of the vagina—the pubococcygeus or pc muscles—involuntarily constrict so tightly that they're unable to allow penetration, or they at least make penetration incredibly painful.
The result is that a couple is either unable to engage in intercourse at all (commonly referred to as primary vaginismus), or is able to do so only with tremendous difficulty (secondary vaginismus). As one wife battling secondary vaginismus put it, "We were able to have intercourse, but it was unbearably painful. It never seemed to get any better. About six months after we were married, we just stopped trying."
The physical, emotional, and spiritual toll this takes on a marriage can be devastating.
Studies have shown that up to 47 percent of women experience general pain during sex, and between 6 and 10 percent suffer with either primary or secondary vaginismus. Several physiological issues can be contributing factors, including vaginal yeast or bacterial infections, urinary tract infections, physical damage from childbirth, and sexually transmitted diseases. Even allergic reactions to medications, latex in condoms, lubricants, or spermicides can lead to secondary vaginismus.
But psychological factors also play a central role, whether or not there are physical problems. Fears resulting from rape or molestation, insensitive gynecological exams, negative messages about sex being dirty or wrong, or fear of pregnancy can create these involuntary spasms, even when a woman isn't fully conscious of such fears. Feelings of disgust about genitalia, or even imagined or anticipated fear because of stories from other women or scenes from a movie, can create the reaction. And certainly fear of re-experiencing pain after unsuccessful attempts at intercourse can quickly set up a self-perpetuating cycle, creating a greater likelihood of painful penetration, which creates more fear.
It's not "all in your head"It's important to understand that this problem isn't "all in your head." This isn't merely a "mind over matter" issue. Countless women have been told—or have told themselves—that and have tried to force themselves to complete the act in spite of excruciating pain. This only exacerbates the problem. The key is to recognize that for some reason the woman has established an involuntary pattern that operates in the same way as a simple phobia (such as a fear of the dark). But the good news is that with treatment it's nearly 100 percent curable!
If you are struggling with painful intercourse, the first thing to do is have a thorough gynecological exam to diagnose and address any physiological disorders. Next, meet with a licensed Christian psychotherapist, preferably one certified in sex therapy (visit sexualwholeness.com to find one in your area), to identify and address any unresolved emotional trauma from experiences such as rape or molestation, abuse, negative mental conditioning from childhood, or oppressive religious beliefs about sex.
Once you and your physician and therapist have addressed all physiological and psychological problems, the final step is to reprogram your central nervous system (cns). This often requires a woman to become more familiar with her body, particularly her genitalia, and with her pleasure zones, discovering what is most pleasing and arousing for her. It may require creating greater feelings of trust and safety within the marriage, especially if there have been angry conflicts over her inability to allow penetration.
How your body respondsIn addition to these crucial steps, you'll need to engage in a process called systematic desensitization—desensitizing the central nervous system to its conditioned response. It's similar to when we get something in our eye and our eye reacts immediately (and largely involuntarily) by closing or blinking and tearing up. It's a self-protective, central nervous system-based, muscular response. As anyone who wears contacts knows, however, you can reprogram those involuntary responses to the point that you can move your contact around on the surface of your eye or insert drops without any of the near-panicky blinking responses you'd normally have made.
To overcome vaginismus, the goal is to "teach" the cns that its automatic responses aren't necessary and are, in fact, not desired, to send the cns the repeated message that it's safe and has no need to react in a protective manner. As you reinforce this message through sensory exercises, positive mental rehearsal, and consistent prayer, your body will eventually "unlearn" its unconscious reaction in order to enjoy full intercourse.
Here's one exercise to commit to on a near-daily basis, for several weeks or months if necessary.
Giving yourself at least an hour of uninterrupted time, make a cup of hot chamomile tea or another drink that will relax you. Lock yourself in the bathroom and draw a warm bath. Add scented oils such as lavender and light a scented candle. Put on a cd of relaxing music at a low volume. Cover your time in prayer as you begin to disrobe, and spend some time becoming more familiar with the body God gave you.
Settling into the bath, let the warm water relax your muscles, continuing in prayer and asking for the gift of the ability to be joined as one with your husband. While still in the bath, place a finger at the opening of the vagina and notice any reaction. If the muscles spasm, simply leave the finger there and do some deep breathing, mentally reassuring yourself that all is well and you are safe, and wait until the muscles relax. This may be sufficient for several days. Eventually, try slightly inserting your finger.
Repeat this same process, gradually inserting deeper and/or adding a second finger. Don't try to move in and out—all you're working for is containment. You're allowing the nerves to become desensitized to having something inside the vagina. When this is no longer painful, try pressing against the pelvic floor (the lower part of the vagina, toward the rectum.) This will stretch the pc muscles, but again, stop and allow the muscles to relax any time you sense them tightening.
Many women prefer to use plastic dilators of varying diameters instead of their fingers. If you'd be more comfortable with that, go to vaginismus.com to purchase one. Whether you use dilators or your fingers, work for containment each time for at least 5 to 20 minutes. Eventually, you'll want to invite your husband to your exercises, and you may move from the bathroom to the bedroom, but don't attempt intercourse yet. You'll need to educate him on what you've learned about your body's responses, and ask him to be patient as you increase your level of vulnerability by engaging in mutual exploration and stimulation, without the goal of consummation.
If you remain diligent in your exercises, you'll eventually find your involuntary reactions greatly decreasing and your comfort with (and desire for!) attempting intercourse increasing. Use all your sensory cues for relaxing your cns and then, applying ample lubrication to your husband's penis, begin trying gentle penetration and containment. You'll eventually be able to progress from containment to gentle thrusting, and before long, you'll both be enjoying pain-free sexual oneness as God intended it.
Is it worth all the effort?Over the years we've had the joy of receiving photographs of babies who would never have been born if not for their parents' commitment to working through vaginismus. These couples would readily affirm that all the effort and frustration and tears now seem a small price to have paid for the gift of their children.
But even if children are never a result, the couples who work together to get to the other side of vaginismus express a much deeper and richer sense of connection. After working with one couple, the wife told me (Chris), "We finally got home about 3 a.m. on New Year's Eve. We were tired, but that didn't matter. We dimmed the lights and made love. This time it was beyond magical, it was heavenly. We weren't just having sex or doing our exercises—we were truly making love. I've never felt so connected to my husband—and to God! It was an amazing feeling. We took it slow and easy and just really enjoyed each other. I can't even find words to explain how wonderful it was!"
If vaginismus is your secret struggle, take heart. There are answers, and the benefits of finding those answers together can cement your marriage far more strongly than the challenging times may ever have threatened to tear it apart.
Christopher and Rachel McCluskey are co-authors of When Two Become One: Enhancing Sexual Intimacy in Marriage (Revell). www.whentwobecomeone.netCopyright © 2008 by the author or Christianity Today International/Marriage Partnership magazine. Click here for reprint information on Marriage Partnership.Summer
Amanda and Randy had been married almost four months. Their honeymoon was great, except for the "main event." No matter how hard they tried, it just wasn't happening. With great embarrassment Amanda finally went to her gynecologist, thinking there was something wrong with her.
Amanda's issue represents the experience of thousands of couples. Their frustration is incredible—they can't consummate their oneness, and they don't know where to turn for help. One husband put it this way: "We were virgins when we married. Four years later we were still not 'one.' It was terrible. We went to three different counselors, and they were nice but really didn't know what to do or say to us."
After running some tests, Amanda's physician informed her that she was normal, but she had vaginismus.
Vaginismus is a condition in which the muscles in the lower third of the vagina—the pubococcygeus or pc muscles—involuntarily constrict so tightly that they're unable to allow penetration, or they at least make penetration incredibly painful.
The result is that a couple is either unable to engage in intercourse at all (commonly referred to as primary vaginismus), or is able to do so only with tremendous difficulty (secondary vaginismus). As one wife battling secondary vaginismus put it, "We were able to have intercourse, but it was unbearably painful. It never seemed to get any better. About six months after we were married, we just stopped trying."
The physical, emotional, and spiritual toll this takes on a marriage can be devastating.
Studies have shown that up to 47 percent of women experience general pain during sex, and between 6 and 10 percent suffer with either primary or secondary vaginismus. Several physiological issues can be contributing factors, including vaginal yeast or bacterial infections, urinary tract infections, physical damage from childbirth, and sexually transmitted diseases. Even allergic reactions to medications, latex in condoms, lubricants, or spermicides can lead to secondary vaginismus.
But psychological factors also play a central role, whether or not there are physical problems. Fears resulting from rape or molestation, insensitive gynecological exams, negative messages about sex being dirty or wrong, or fear of pregnancy can create these involuntary spasms, even when a woman isn't fully conscious of such fears. Feelings of disgust about genitalia, or even imagined or anticipated fear because of stories from other women or scenes from a movie, can create the reaction. And certainly fear of re-experiencing pain after unsuccessful attempts at intercourse can quickly set up a self-perpetuating cycle, creating a greater likelihood of painful penetration, which creates more fear.
It's not "all in your head"It's important to understand that this problem isn't "all in your head." This isn't merely a "mind over matter" issue. Countless women have been told—or have told themselves—that and have tried to force themselves to complete the act in spite of excruciating pain. This only exacerbates the problem. The key is to recognize that for some reason the woman has established an involuntary pattern that operates in the same way as a simple phobia (such as a fear of the dark). But the good news is that with treatment it's nearly 100 percent curable!
If you are struggling with painful intercourse, the first thing to do is have a thorough gynecological exam to diagnose and address any physiological disorders. Next, meet with a licensed Christian psychotherapist, preferably one certified in sex therapy (visit sexualwholeness.com to find one in your area), to identify and address any unresolved emotional trauma from experiences such as rape or molestation, abuse, negative mental conditioning from childhood, or oppressive religious beliefs about sex.
Once you and your physician and therapist have addressed all physiological and psychological problems, the final step is to reprogram your central nervous system (cns). This often requires a woman to become more familiar with her body, particularly her genitalia, and with her pleasure zones, discovering what is most pleasing and arousing for her. It may require creating greater feelings of trust and safety within the marriage, especially if there have been angry conflicts over her inability to allow penetration.
How your body respondsIn addition to these crucial steps, you'll need to engage in a process called systematic desensitization—desensitizing the central nervous system to its conditioned response. It's similar to when we get something in our eye and our eye reacts immediately (and largely involuntarily) by closing or blinking and tearing up. It's a self-protective, central nervous system-based, muscular response. As anyone who wears contacts knows, however, you can reprogram those involuntary responses to the point that you can move your contact around on the surface of your eye or insert drops without any of the near-panicky blinking responses you'd normally have made.
To overcome vaginismus, the goal is to "teach" the cns that its automatic responses aren't necessary and are, in fact, not desired, to send the cns the repeated message that it's safe and has no need to react in a protective manner. As you reinforce this message through sensory exercises, positive mental rehearsal, and consistent prayer, your body will eventually "unlearn" its unconscious reaction in order to enjoy full intercourse.
Here's one exercise to commit to on a near-daily basis, for several weeks or months if necessary.
Giving yourself at least an hour of uninterrupted time, make a cup of hot chamomile tea or another drink that will relax you. Lock yourself in the bathroom and draw a warm bath. Add scented oils such as lavender and light a scented candle. Put on a cd of relaxing music at a low volume. Cover your time in prayer as you begin to disrobe, and spend some time becoming more familiar with the body God gave you.
Settling into the bath, let the warm water relax your muscles, continuing in prayer and asking for the gift of the ability to be joined as one with your husband. While still in the bath, place a finger at the opening of the vagina and notice any reaction. If the muscles spasm, simply leave the finger there and do some deep breathing, mentally reassuring yourself that all is well and you are safe, and wait until the muscles relax. This may be sufficient for several days. Eventually, try slightly inserting your finger.
Repeat this same process, gradually inserting deeper and/or adding a second finger. Don't try to move in and out—all you're working for is containment. You're allowing the nerves to become desensitized to having something inside the vagina. When this is no longer painful, try pressing against the pelvic floor (the lower part of the vagina, toward the rectum.) This will stretch the pc muscles, but again, stop and allow the muscles to relax any time you sense them tightening.
Many women prefer to use plastic dilators of varying diameters instead of their fingers. If you'd be more comfortable with that, go to vaginismus.com to purchase one. Whether you use dilators or your fingers, work for containment each time for at least 5 to 20 minutes. Eventually, you'll want to invite your husband to your exercises, and you may move from the bathroom to the bedroom, but don't attempt intercourse yet. You'll need to educate him on what you've learned about your body's responses, and ask him to be patient as you increase your level of vulnerability by engaging in mutual exploration and stimulation, without the goal of consummation.
If you remain diligent in your exercises, you'll eventually find your involuntary reactions greatly decreasing and your comfort with (and desire for!) attempting intercourse increasing. Use all your sensory cues for relaxing your cns and then, applying ample lubrication to your husband's penis, begin trying gentle penetration and containment. You'll eventually be able to progress from containment to gentle thrusting, and before long, you'll both be enjoying pain-free sexual oneness as God intended it.
Is it worth all the effort?Over the years we've had the joy of receiving photographs of babies who would never have been born if not for their parents' commitment to working through vaginismus. These couples would readily affirm that all the effort and frustration and tears now seem a small price to have paid for the gift of their children.
But even if children are never a result, the couples who work together to get to the other side of vaginismus express a much deeper and richer sense of connection. After working with one couple, the wife told me (Chris), "We finally got home about 3 a.m. on New Year's Eve. We were tired, but that didn't matter. We dimmed the lights and made love. This time it was beyond magical, it was heavenly. We weren't just having sex or doing our exercises—we were truly making love. I've never felt so connected to my husband—and to God! It was an amazing feeling. We took it slow and easy and just really enjoyed each other. I can't even find words to explain how wonderful it was!"
If vaginismus is your secret struggle, take heart. There are answers, and the benefits of finding those answers together can cement your marriage far more strongly than the challenging times may ever have threatened to tear it apart.
Christopher and Rachel McCluskey are co-authors of When Two Become One: Enhancing Sexual Intimacy in Marriage (Revell). www.whentwobecomeone.netCopyright © 2008 by the author or Christianity Today International/Marriage Partnership magazine. Click here for reprint information on Marriage Partnership.Summer
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